Monday, May 19, 2008

A Boy’s pathway to adulthood

Singapore Airlines: A Boy’s pathway to adulthood

10:34 AM Tokyo, Japan

I am 7 years old, about to make my trek to the United States from Tokyo. Anything up until this point is inconsequential, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am seven years old and have the rest of my life a head of me.

It's exciting to have stepped on foreign soil as it is a badge of honor. I flew from Tehran to Peking (with an hour stop) and now am in Tokyo. What that means is that within one trip I have landed on two foreign countries! That has to be a record for a 7 year old. And in less that 24 hours I will have landed in Los Angeles or San Francisco, depending on which ticket is cheaper. Life is exciting. Just with in the past hour I have seen Asians for the first time, they are awesome. In a few hours I will have seen the first black person … how cool is that?

4:56 PM Tokyo, Japan

My mom finally got us tickets to Los Angeles. I can’t wait till I get to the United States. It will be really exciting seeing flying cars, robots, and visit the space station for the first time. Maybe if I work hard enough, I will be able to save enough money by 7th grade to buy myself a robot. Nothing too fancy, just one that will be my friend and teach me complex mathematics and more importantly to speak English without an accent.

??? PM “Over the Pacific Ocean

I don’t know what time it is, but I do know one thing. I love traveling on airplanes. They have hamburgers for food which I love, a movie with your own headphones. I love wearing headphones, especially when I am listening to my favorite stories on my walkman.

Singapore Airlines has really pretty ladies working for it. They all have rosy cheeks and a beautiful smile. I am really glad I am 7 years old because I've been told that attractive women treat 7 year olds better than adults. I hope I never get old. Well that is not true, I want to get taller so that when I drive a car, my feet reach the pedal, but that’s it. Also when I grownup, I want to meet a nice girl to marry and play with. I think only older ladies are pretty, so I will have to get bigger or older so that I could kidnap them for the marriage.

By the way, I know none of this is making any sense, but I am 7 years old, have just discovered that I am going through puberty, and these Singapore flight attendants are really hot.

??? PM “Over California

I think we’re about to land. I think that movie starring Cher was really boring. I guess I am ready to start my new life in a new world. I better start forgetting about anything I learned before I was 7. Anything up until this point is inconsequential, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am seven years old and have my life a head of me.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Boy Named Amir

The Story Of Amir

It was January 1977 in Rome, Italy where a baby was conceived during Behrouz and Minoo's honeymoon. The next day they dove through the country side where they stopped to dine on the local food and wine. In the midst of all this they passed a goat herder who had a goat with babies. My mom, Minoo found that the little one with spunk was really cute, so my dad bought the goat for her. The new family member was named Amir.

Amir, Minoo, and Behrouz drove through Europe, going to England, then via boat to France, back to Italy and Spain, through Turkey and back to Tehran.

After getting situated, Behrous, Minoo, and Amir the goat got an apartment in downtown Tehran across the street from the hospital where another Amir would be born. Minoo was 4 months pregnant now with a son. Amir the goat enjoyed life living in the 4th story of a 12 story apartment complex. He would eat his food in the balcony, enjoying the view and dining. In August, Minoo almost 8 months pregnant accidentally slipped on the stairs and her water broke. The baby would be born a month and a half early. Amir the goat of course wouldn't underrate this. For three days, Amir would not have food because Minoo would be in the hospital with the baby and Behrouz on the road working. So Amir The Goat got hungry and saw that there were delicious looking leaves close to the balcony. He jumped on the balcony ledge and started eating. Then he saw a bigger, more delicious leaf just out of reach. He stuck his head out w/o worries, after all he was an 8 month old goat.

Elvis passed away on August 16th, allegedly dead in his bathroom.Amir the goat fell four stories and didn't immediately die, but was put to sleep the next day so as to not feel pain. Amir the baby was born three days

Friday, February 22, 2008

How Geometry & Physics saved my life and made me the coolest kid in school

Before I start this biography loosely based on portions of my life, I have to mention that not all of it is 100% truth, but that does not take away from the fact that Geometry, physics and Calculus had a huge impact on my social life.

I recently read a blog by one of my favorite comics/people in SF Comedy, Sam Arno, where he talked about teaching math to his daughter. By reading this, I realized how much I have loved math, even though; I am not really that great at it anymore. In fact I don't even think I would not even rank top three in the most mathematically skilled comedian in the bay area. That honor would probably go to Richard Kiss, Norm Goldblatt, and perhaps Brian Mallow.

During the early part of my sophomore year, I tried out for the wrestling team because some of my friends asked me to, since we needed a heavy weight on the team. I ended up crushing my knee cartilage and ending hopes of ever trying out for UFC or WWE. What came out of that was me concentrating on school. I ended up, by accident taking Senior Level physics, & advanced Geometry. The Geometry class was very boring, as it was filled with freshman and no hot chicks. This forced me to actually pay attention in class and try to actually learn. I ended up being the best Geometry student and even getting the top 1% percentile in the California testing for my age. Before that class, I had never done better than a B in any math class, no matter how hard I tried.

Physics on the other hand was the most awesome class, as the class was filled with hot girls who were seniors. My teacher was Mr. Keller, who actually was not that much older than I was. He was 21, I was 16, and some kids in the class actually looked older than he did, mostly the Mexican kids. He made physics fun by sometimes dressing up as a physicist who he would be lecturing on that day. I ended up getting an A in this class because I wanted hot chicks to partner up with me because I could get them a good grade. I never scored, but I got to hangout with hot older girls who were nice to me and liked me as a little brother.

Finally the math skills helped me in future years as I was able to make the Varsity baseball team by having the entire team lobby for me to be on the team. The trade off, let them cheat off of me in Calculus.

Mathematics has helped me in other aspects of life that I don't recall, but trust me it has helped.

Myspace accounts for comedians I mentioned:

Richard Kiss:

Sam Arno:

Norm Goldblatt:

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Comedy Set @ Hamilton Assisted Facility (Originally posted July 03, 2006)

Life is special and everyone knows that. No one needs to post a blog about it at 1:45am on a Monday morning after having consumed 3 bottles of Pellegrino mineral water. Having said that, sometimes we forget that life is short and we stress too much. Way too much ... way too much.

Last Saturday I performed comedy in an elderly care center where the patients were Alzheimer's patients. I am familiar with this disease because my grandmother was in the early stages of dimensions and I have gone through the pain of seeing a loved one in distress. But I could always make her laugh, even in her last days (mostly blue material) ... so I thought it would be a good experience because even if no one likes my comedy, I know they like seeing new people visit them.

To my surprise the experience was not bad at all. In fact it was one of the most fun comedy experiences of my life!! My good friend Rishi taped my set and I actually did get some laughs!!!

Before I talk about it, I have to mention that we should be encouraged to visit the elderly (especially if they are our relative, but doesn't matter). In our society, we visit pets in animal shelters, but we never think to visit the elderly who have done nothing more that just get old or have their family abandon them. I love animals and have a cat whom I love soo much, but I also know that humans need love too ... and even more so. I also have to mention that I am not a saint and have been unaware of this problem for most of my life.

I am kind of tired and just wanted to make a point and go to sleep. Anyway seeing the elderly trapped in the home depressed the heck out of me to the point that I just want to live my life to the fullest and have fun.

p.s. Surprisingly I did not have my worst set, thanks to the staff and some patients who were alert and listened to me. I was even heckled by a lively lady who called my jokes "Phoney Baloney" and myself a "son of a bitch" and "fat too"!!! It was one of the funniest moments in my life!! She was a lady in a wheelchair and was escorted out by a few of the workers!! It was sooo crazy because the actual escorting out of the 95 year old woman was more distracting than her heckling. Her heckling was funny as HELL!! All in all it was a great experience and I hope to not stress about life anymore.